Fixing Family Patterns
262 | “Key to a Healthy Relationship”
Rewrite Your Family Story in Christ
Have you ever opened your mouth and heard your parents come out? It happens to the best of us! This week, we’re looking at the "base operating system" of our families to see if there are any glitches we need to fix. We dive into the "copy and paste" drama of biblical families, asking why Abraham’s deceit and Isaac’s favoritism kept showing up in the next generation. Is it nature, nurture, or just a lack of updates? Thankfully, we don't have to stay stuck in a loop. We explore how Joseph "flipped the script" and how Jesus — the ultimate pattern breaker — offers us a total reboot as a "new creation". It’s time to identify the baggage we’ve inherited and let God start "reparenting" us for the better.
Takeaways
The Big Idea: The gospel empowers us to break bad patterns and pass on better ones.
This Week's Challenge: Identify one unhealthy family pattern and one positive pattern. Pray about them and take one step this week to break the bad and reinforce the good.
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Introduction to Family Patterns in the Bible
Bryan: that's never a key to a healthy relationship but well hello everyone and welcome to the bible geeks podcast I'm Bryan Schiele
Ryan: I'm Ryan Joy.
Bryan: and on today's episode we are going to notice how the bible is full of families like Abraham and David who repeated the same problematic patterns like deceit favoritism fear and conflict
Ryan: If we pay attention to these passages and to our lives, we find we may have some patterns of our own to examine.
Bryan: so today we'll study bible families reflecting on how we pass on good patterns and how we break the bad patterns.
Exploring Biblical Family Patterns
Bryan: Okay, so I think we've sort of tipped our hands a few times this season, but so far we've been trying to like each own an episode and we've been bringing some ideas and thoughts to each other in our meetings and stuff and this was one that came up really early on and you were talking about this you had this idea and we haven't really gotten a chance to like dig into it too much and talk about it offline but like this thought that you've been having about these patterns that exist in our families and not just in our families but really in like biblical families what is it that like has really stood out to you that this needs to be something that we bring to the show?
Ryan: Well, like so many things that come out of Bible study, you see a pattern over and over again. Or you see a theme that starts happening and once you notice it, you follow it all over the place.
And it's everywhere in the Bible. And then you start thinking about it in your life. And the two kind of conversations and ways of thinking have been really prevalent for me over the last, I don't know, four or five years, I guess. Adrian and I talk all the time about how we deal with conflict, how we deal with, family.
Or like, you know, we talked about boundaries and all of these different issues, you know. Anxiety versus peace, how we think about money and dynamics in a marriage and all of these kinds of things. When you start piecing them together, and especially like if you want to learn what your family patterns are, get married and start noticing like how you are different from your spouse and how your family of origin is different from your in-laws.
And like the systems that they grew up in, they just know how to operate. Like it's their base operating system where you're like looking at it from the outside like, "Man, that is weird. I don't know how you survive that." And they're doing the same thing with you. And so it's this interesting thing. And for a while, it's like we're going to talk about these deep thoughts.
Like you start out like, "Okay, I don't even see it." And then the next level is, "Okay, I'm stuck in this. This is how it is. This is just what I think life is supposed to be." And then you realize, "Wait, no. The Bible shows me a healthier way. If I see it, then I can bring Scripture and the Lord's guidance to it and be better."
And so that's, to me, it has been kind of a game changer to think through these with Adrian and others. it all starts with what we see over and over again in
Bryan: okay I you're you're selling me on it in a bigger way. I think it is sometimes difficult when you're constantly fighting every little fire to sort of I don't know maybe in a way like zoom out and see your family life from a from a distance maybe to kind of get some perspective on it to see like yes actually we are continuing to repeat this cycle over and over again and and maybe as like a time travelers connection here we're sort of like you know zooming into the past and into the future and kind of seeing how our how our families operate and can we learn anything from the bible about that I think is the next part of our discussion which is
Here's the Story: Abraham's Family
Bryan: here's the story.
It has been a little bit since we've played that song. I appreciate the bible stories in a bigger way now that I'm starting to see these themes connecting a lot of these different random and disparate moments in the bible and if you see these themes pop up they definitely pop up in the book of genesis in Abraham's family and uh Abraham is sort of the the focus and he's sort of the generation one of of a number of generations that kind of yeah he's the he's the the progenitor I guess of this family line that winds up just really struggling with some things and in a small way it kind of starts with Abraham doesn't
Ryan: Yeah, he's supposed to leave his house, leave his father's house. And he's going to create something new to be part of God's new family that is beginning with him and that's going to bless the whole world. So it's a reset on everything that's happened in the first 11 chapters of Genesis beginning with him.
And yet those same old ways keep showing up. And he is not a perfect man, as we see in the deceit and the conflict avoidance and the favoritism and the family divisions. There's this thing where he's not truthful with Pharaoh or with Abimelech. And then that starts something. The issues with Hagar and Ishmael and the two sons and having a favorite between them, it doesn't stop with Abraham.
And it keeps going forward, right?
Isaac and Jacob: Continuing the Cycle
Bryan: yeah well you got you got Isaac and Jacob who both struggle with that same kind of thing so they're not upstanding you know great examples of faith either although God continues his faithful promises through them and you know you've got Isaac who is lying about Rebecca and you've got this personal favoritism that's going on that is really just starting to to become you know a division point of the family when Isaac favors Esau and Rebecca is favoring Jacob and and so there's deceit and there's lying so I'm seeing what you're saying here is like Abraham kind of started this with deceit and lying and this sort of family fracturing and the the sons do not get much better in generation two
Ryan: Yeah, they continue what is going on as Reuben and Simeon and Levi are used to this battle between the moms. family has their own--Rachel and Leah's family have their own thing with Laban and his deceitfulness. And so there's all these issues that keep showing up.
And sometimes it's like, did that get copied and pasted from one chapter to another? What is going on? And the names are changed, you know, Abraham with Isaac and Bimelech or some of these things. It's just like, is this the major problem in humanity? No, it's a problem in that family that keeps getting passed down.
There are lots of different ways. One of the Russian writers started a famous book like, "All happy families are the same, but all unhappy families are different in their own unique way." It's like you find a way to, to survive. But a lot of times our way of dealing with a bad attitude, a bad pattern is to have another bad pattern.
And then we keep continuing it. But
Bryan: does it have to continue that
Ryan: does it have to continue?
Joseph: Breaking the Cycle
Ryan: Yeah, I think, you know, Joseph kind of starts to flip the script, right?
Bryan: yeah he's he's finally like the the shining beacon who decides that no we're not going to continue lying and we're not going to continue deceiving and you know he does really show up in a big way to reverse the cycle of what his family had been propagating this whole time and he is like refreshingly honest in in the way that he deals with things even though can I just like throw a mild hot take in there like Joseph Joseph knows how to be sneaky I mean can we just
Ryan: yeah.
Bryan: he knows how to like not deceive his brothers as they come to Egypt and but he knows how to hide stuff like he's he's very
Ryan: Wake up, son.
Bryan: absolutely he totally is but he's not doing it in that sort of like negative way or he's not trying to hurt anyone he is really trying to bless his family in a deeper way to sort of heal it but he almost has to heal it with the same kind of of tactics that his family had taught him long ago
Ryan: [Laughter] Yeah, What is that passage Jesus says, "Be as innocent as doves and as something as serpents, like a shrewd," right? He's thoughtful. He's skillful in manipulating this situation to bring about the kind of transformation and breakthrough he wants.
But forgiveness and love and care for those who had been hard and awful to him. And like you said, ultimately, an unmasking of all that gets masked in this charade between them is what brings the change. So it is possible to break the cycle.
David's Family: New Patterns, Same Problems
Ryan: you know, like David's family has their own issues. And in a way, David does break the cycle right at the beginning.
Like he shows up in 1 Samuel 17, and his brothers are all afraid, everybody's afraid. And it's like, "No, we can take this guy on.
But again, the Bible is so honest about this. Like he is not an ideal human. He's not the perfect person. And so these things show
Bryan: yeah well and it's not for David it's not necessarily an issue with personal favoritism within the family or even like deceit for the for the sake of deceit but we do start to see lust power the ability to like push things you know sweep things under the rug and hide things with with that situation with Bathsheba and so David is still dealing with a lot maybe not the same things that Abraham and his family dealt with but I guess if you want to think about the patterns that David starts in his life as these things become public and you know Nathan is sort of revealing how David is going to have to deal with his private sin becoming public it doesn't go well for his family after that for sure
Ryan: Nathan is very clear that this is going to have generational consequences. This gets passed down. And the Bible brings this up a lot. that the things that we do don't just affect us.
And so he says, "I will raise up evil against you out of your own house," Nathan says to David. "And I will take your wives before your eyes and give them to your neighbor, and he shall lie with your wives in the sight of the sun. You did it secretly, but I will do this thing before all Israel and before the sun."
And it's going to show up with his children. And it's going to be ugly and awful. It's the beginning of a dark period in David's life.
Bryan: you can see it with his own immediate family as David himself is dealing with Absalom and and the situation there you can see it as as Solomon then begins to kind of take up the mantle after David dies and oh boy I am not yeah I mean there's a lot here that like David is dealing with David has started in motion some things that really are going to affect his family for a long time even beyond like his immediate next generations but like the kings that follow David just continue to repeat that pattern I was thinking when you were saying like in the in the uh the story of Abraham how that it's did God just like copy and paste these passages and like you know apply them to each of these sons that came after him that's kind of what we see in the kings coming after David it's like you know this copy and paste of failure after failure after failure and uh boy it's just yeah this brokenness that is continuing to be passed down through the generations is just is a pattern that needs to be broken for sure
Ryan: And there is a looking back, you know, did you follow in the ways of your father David in good ways?
But again, the one who ultimately breaks all the cycles is not Joseph. It's not Solomon. It is the son of David, Jesus Christ, who
Breaking the Cycle: A New Creation in Christ
Ryan: totally changes humanity because he's the ultimate pattern breaker, right?
He does everything right.
Bryan: well you get you get to Jesus there and I and I appreciate that we that we did get to Jesus there as the ultimate pattern breaker he's the ultimate Joseph you know he's he's definitely not continuing these patterns but if if we could just go back for a second like it is a story of brokenness when you look at these patterns and how just you know they continue to amplify and there are like again there are a few bright shining cases where like some of these kings decide that they will not you know continue and perpetuate on the idolatry and sin of their fathers before them but it is a master class in how sin just does not take care of itself you know we we would we would left to our own devices just continue to push into deeper and deeper unholiness unrighteousness because that's you know what we learn and what we continue to push forward with and so I I feel like looking at a story like this as as we kind of wrap up these two stories of David and and Abraham's family it's depressing can we just like acknowledge that like it's kind of depressing
Ryan: And it can feel that way in real life when you start to realize it and see it. And it's like, man, is this what I—you know, I already know what my kids are going to be talking to some therapist about 20 years from now. And, you know, that kind of thing. Like, you're just like seeing everything is going to keep going forward.
And that is not how it is. There is hope in Christ. But it can feel pretty depressing. Yeah, as we switch over to a new segment, I think maybe a verse that is helpful is 1 Peter 1.18, where he says, "The empty ways handed down from your forefathers that we've inherited, we need to break those. We've spent enough time in that, and in Christ, we're made new."
So let's go into actually talking about ourselves a little bit here.
Deep Thoughts: Family Patterns
Bryan: all right so our next segment here we're gonna call deep thoughts
so we've been thinking here a little bit about uh these patterns and what's going on and and Ryan you were really just showing up as like hey we are our own people here you know we've we we we have had things passed down to us but we need to show up and make the decision on our own and maybe that's like the surface level discussion here like we might start off in this whole discussion thinking like I am my own person and is that true are you are you unaffected completely by everything that has come before you or do you have some need to deal with some of that stuff that came came before us
Ryan: Yeah, like I live my life in a vacuum. Nobody can do that. No one is an island. And there's nature and there's nurture, and they're both shaping you. And it goes beyond our family, of course. We're affected by all kinds of things in the world around us and the people around us. But there's nothing so deep set in us as these things that from birth were getting ingrained in us.
And so, you know, I don't know. Have you ever caught yourself? You're just—life is happening, and then you say something or you do something, and you're like, "Where did that come from? That was my dad. That was my
Bryan: I don't even have to I don't even have to think that thought my wife will tell me that she's like okay Dale I'm like wow thanks for that and you know I very frequently tell her that she's like her mom."
sometimes and you know that's never a key to a healthy relationship but sometimes it is good to to hear those things you know because we don't we don't often realize how we have you know how we're following in the patterns of the people who have raised us so I like what you're saying there about nurture and nature I feel like we want to we want to say like we're our own people and we're you know we're self-made and all these kinds of things but at the end of the day we do have to acknowledge that where we came from really does have a big influence on who we are today
Ryan: we, you and me, grew up in wonderful families with Christian parents, and this is not about, like, everything is bad. But even in that context, you have to be aware, you have to examine.
And so that's, like, going to the next level, diving below the surface, noticing that I am repeating my family patterns. When we look honestly, we can just start to see, way that my wife and I do things is just so different. Like, these deep-set, like, commandments that are unwritten and unspoken about the way you do things, the way you talk, the way you don't ever talk about certain things, you know, the way—just, like, the way you show your worth, you know?
How are you worth something, you know? Is it by working harder than anybody? Is it by never letting anybody down? You know, what is it that starts—what are the rules of how we live? And those things just get, like, written into our bones, you know? And they're not just one generation. Like, our parents have taken a lot of things from their generation.
Again, the Bible talks about the third and fourth generation. Like, we're looking two centuries back, or, like, a century and a half, or whatever that ends up being, but we're still picking up these things if we don't break the
Bryan: you know Ezekiel 18 is pretty clear that like we are we are dealing with our own problems like it says there the son shall not suffer for the iniquity of the father so you wrestle with that like I'm not guilty because that's passed down by my family like I know I really am like having to deal with my own stuff every day but I think when we learn behavior and when we start to model that behavior as kids of our parents then if they made mistakes that we're also continuing to make today then we we become guilty of those things like they were and that learned behavior I think is a really important thing that that we're not talking about you know it we're not saying that like you know we're just it's we can't help ourselves because that's how our parents were but that's certainly not what Ezekiel 18 is talking about
Ryan: I think it's a really important point that you're making, and I'm glad you brought it up, that, like, theologically, this is not Calvinism that we're talking about. This is not, "I inherited all the guilt of the past generations back to Adam," or even that I have this sin nature that I've inherited that is, like, "I can do no good.
I can't choose right." Actually, I do have agency. That's the thing. But I also have these things pulling me in a particular direction. And all of these things that have happened—yeah, Ezekiel 18 is a great passage because it starts out with them quoting a proverb, like, "The fathers have eaten the sour grapes, but the children's teeth are set on edge."
Like, we're feeling the bad thing from the last generation, and they're thinking about whether it's the fall of Jerusalem or all the things that have come. Or you think about—remember whenever Abraham was told about the Canaanites and that there was going to be hundreds of years of sin until their sin was brought to its fullness?
These generations are going to keep sinning and getting worse and worse and worse, not because God wanted them to, but that is what they keep learning, and they keep choosing to stay in these patterns they've learned, and worshiping badly and being violent and being immoral and all of these things. And, you know, we want to recognize the reality that we can create a break through Christ, and also, in order to do that, not be naive to the fact that that is going to be hard.
Personal Reflections and Practical Steps
Ryan: We're going to have to do real, honest work repenting and acknowledging these things to move
Bryan: it sort of highlights to me the need to and it may be the idea that we've been kind of exploring in some of our recent episodes but the need to examine everything is uh like what what am I doing that I've learned from the generation before me or from my peers let's not even view this from like the lens of family relationships although that's important but like what am I learning from my peers what am I learning from my culture what is it that that I am doing because I've been taught that or because I'm modeling someone else in some ways like what are these unspoken rules that I just I'm I'm having to deal with right now and like maybe those are the times where we should really get curious about ourselves to see like am I doing these things because I've chosen to do the right thing the wise thing the proper thing in this moment or am I just doing this because this is how it's always been done or how the people around me have always done this am I succumbing to the the whims of the crowd or the whims of my family and if we can answer those questions maybe I think we'll never be able to put off a pattern unless we can actually name it and acknowledge it and know that it's happening to us and boy like you say if that if there is a difficult thing to do that might be one of the hardest
Ryan: Because you have to look in the mirror, and this is—man, this is the hardest thing in the world, is to see something that you didn't realize before. I thought I was doing great here,and it's like not only understanding what it is, but understanding why am I doing this.
I do this because I thought this worked, or I thought that this is how you have to do it in, you know, whether it's the system I grew up in, or what I learned from examples, or just something that I've developed myself to cope. it might be working at one level, but if it's sinful or if it's unhealthy, then it's broken, ultimately, and only by confronting it and doing the work do I start to, you know, bring these things honestly before God and work to
Bryan: so yeah we we sort of started talking about how like that's just how I am it's who I am and then we start if we get a little deeper say you know I am actually repeating the the patterns of my family and I am like my dad in ways I never wanted to be or whatever it is and then we get into this like third level which is I think where we want to be where we want to go is to know that we can break the cycle and so that's sort of what we're starting to talk through here is like how do we break the cycle how do we how do we decide that this is not our new reality that this is not how we will continue to be and it's where like the stories of Joseph pop up and it's where like as you were talking about in David's example how we finally see the the ultimate king who's able to take this on Jesus who's obviously the the center and the focus of all of this but in Christ I think we break the cycle here by becoming a new creation that is the whole point of what what we're trying to get to is that we've become a part of a new family we have a new primary identity we are now children of God and so we we relate to the world very differently now knowing that we we have a new father we have a new family that we're a part of and that's what we begin to model as we as we live our lives
Ryan: I think about those three or four episodes that we did in the middle of the Square One series, where it's like this is the hinge of breaking with the past and like seeing it, repenting, and then, you know, what does baptism do as we die and we're born again, and we raise, and, you know, give to the Holy Spirit and God's life at work in us.
And then the change that comes as this new life starts to be fostered in us by our new attitude, our new submission to Christ, and by God's continuing work in us, right? And so it is not like we just can't tell the story, like you come out of the waters of baptism and you don't have to deal with this stuff anymore.
We have to tell it truly, which is everything is new, right? 2 Corinthians 5:17, they were just bringing it up, "If anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come." That is true. We are the beginning of the new creation that will come. We are the first fruits. I mean, Jesus is the first fruits, and now we are the first fruits of that new era where everything is right.
And yet we are stuck here in these bodies that are falling apart in this world that has evil old ways, and we still have, you know, old neurological patterns written into our chemistry that we have to, like, rewrite, right? We have to change all of these things, and it is going to be in partnership with God, but us constantly doing the prayerful, repentant, obedient work of saying, "What does God want?
Okay, that's what's best. I'm going to keep working it." We catch and correct. Sometimes we're halfway through, like, reacting to a child the wrong way, and we notice it, and we say, "You know what? That isn't what I wanted to say. Here's how I wanted to deal with that." And we keep changing, but it's that put off the old, like Ephesians 4, Colossians 3, put on the new kind of ongoing process that we do.
Bryan: boy I mean you start in that moment to to really see with fresh eyes what transformation what repentance is and this adoption into a new family has this meaning in deeper ways that it's not like I now have a new name but I now am a new person like I I have become a new person and I am becoming a new person and I will become a new person like I'm I am continuing to push forward to that new identity it's one of those questions like what has to change and I think we did in the square one series ask each other that question quite a few times like what has to change when I start to put off my old family script when I start to deal with all of the you know like you and I both came from families that did not want to deal with conflict head on sometimes like we just kind of we were okay like being quiet about some things and not really you know how do we deal with that now when we are a new creature now how do we deal with that now when we uh you know become a part of a new family not to say that you know that was like a a sinful thing that you and I experienced growing up but like how you know how do I define how I deal with the world not by how my parents did it although you know I appreciate the example that they gave to me I have to define it by how the Lord wants me to react to those situations
Ryan: it's so many specific things that, like, you can't just give a list or even categories, but I think the goal of this conversation, at least for me, is to recognize this is part of the work. This is part of what it means to be a Christian, to be a disciple, is, as you put it, we are now in Christ, in a new family.
We've been adopted. We have the Spirit of adoption, God is, like, reparenting us, right? He's training us. He's disciplining us. He's providing.
He's leading with His good example, the example of the family's firstborn, you know, of Jesus, the Son of God. And we are now learning in this new—it's like whenever you're adopted into it, like, if a kid was adopted into a new family, and it might've been, like, a really, difficult, dysfunctional family they were in until they were eight years old, and now they're like, "Okay, this is our family's rules.
That's not how we do it. That's not how you treat your sister," you know, or whatever. And it's learning, "This is how we do it in this family, in this way, and we're trying to be like our
Bryan: do you feel like that is maybe one of the primary issues in play for people coming to Jesus like understanding that the way that their family did things is not the way that they need to continue to do things I feel like that so often pops up in conversations like maybe one of the reasons why Jesus puts so very clearly the need to hate your father and mother and like of course he's not saying that like from an actual literal like hate them but in this idea that like we have to really put in its proper perspective our family's past or where we came from so that we can move forward and I don't think I don't think we get to carry a committed walk in in the Lord's family and also all of the baggage you know and continue to perpetuate the baggage that came through our family that we that we grew up in physically I don't I don't think those two things get to coexist together and maybe that's one of the biggest challenges for people coming to the Lord
Ryan: use that term "baggage," and we've talked about before, like, the idea of Hebrews 12, "Lay aside the sin and all of the other things that entangle you," right? Anything that slows you down on the race, whether it's sinful or it's just not the best, you know? That's what Hebrews 12 starts with, is we set all of this baggage aside because we're being remade into people that are built for eternal, joyful glory of God, with Him.
So yeah, I think that looking carefully at what it means to be a child of God, starts with truth and love, you know? And so we have to see the truth.
Bryan: do you think for you you have things in mind because we we've been talking here like you and I both came from very scripturally sound very strong Christian families so this is going to be a different conversation that you and I would have than maybe you and I would have with someone else but I feel like for me I can acknowledge that there are things growing up that I want to break the pattern of do you do you have things in mind that like are clearly like I don't want to I don't want to continue to perpetuate that way of dealing with things or you know as you as you think about like your own families like how you want to raise your own family moving forward
Ryan: So many. It's all stuff that's showed up in our conversations before, probably. But yeah, like pleasing people, thinking that disharmony, tension in relationships, or in saying something that someone doesn't want to hear is dangerous, you know, or is problematic. know, reading. I like read so much. I walk into a room and my antennas are up to every dynamic that is going on in the room.
Is everybody okay? What all is happening here? Because that's how we do it. And all of this there's good to, right? I mean, there is a redeemed side to this, but the work is getting rid of the parts that don't glorify God and lead to holiness and really healthy, sound disciples, then maximizing the good parts.
mean, like I could go on, you know, like I said about relationship with work, relationship with measuring things up, relationship with authority. Like I had to learn back in my secular job years ago that my best way of serving, I was like the second in command of a company. Like it was the owner of the company and then me as the manager of all these people.
And so I had to not only say the hard things to the staff, but I had to learn to figure out what are the things that this person who owns this company, who pays my paychecks, has to hear. And I can't say them softly in a way that like he could pass over. I have to say them in a way that he can hear it so that he can get what he, like I can do what I'm here to do for him and for this company.
And, you know, just things like that. Like there's so many things. What about you? What patterns and ways of thinking and doing things?
Bryan: oh I mean if you know my dad at all you knew like he would bend over backwards for anybody and he spent just all of his time working for other people one thing I definitely know about dad is that he did not often enjoy the moment and he did not often uh he was so focused on the future um and preparing a life for the future for us and to you know to make sure that we were okay in the future that like sometimes the the present alluded him in ways and so I have struggled I think to sort of view my relationship with my family differently and to really try to put put myself out there as somebody who takes advantage of today not only to prepare for tomorrow but also to take advantage of today and you know spending more time with the family spending more time you know not working and not being involved in 19 different projects although boy I still I mean I am my dad in that way in a lot of a lot of cases but you know I start to ask myself and as I was listening to you talk I start to ask myself like so the things that I'm trying to do today how are those going to be perceived you know by my daughter as she grows up and as a family of her own like is she going to to demand that they spend time today doing these things are she going to say like well we didn't prepare for the future enough so we need to spend more time preparing like is the pendulum going to swing the other direction for her I almost wonder like are your kids going to walk into a room and be like you know dad always had his antennas up when he walked into a room and uh but he you know and they'll insert some like but he never did this and and then like swing the opposite direction you know what we try to implement today may not ever be something our kids do or it may become a real big important thing that they do I it's so hard to tell I don't know
Ryan: And like, I like where you're starting to turn about thinking about our next generation and how we start a new cycle, right? Because we can, you know, we can say in this family, we forgive.
You talk about it, you work through it, and the Bible is full of really healthy things that are passed down from generation to generation. And we could make a whole new episode on that.
But like my first thing that I'm thinking of is Timothy and what he learned from his mom. And where did she learn it? From her mom, you know, and what Lois and Eunice passed down. And then Paul comes along as a brother in Christ and develops it more. grateful are we that like there is no doubt where you are going to be on Sunday morning? Like how weird would you feel in your body, like in your bones, if you were like, "Eh, I think I'll just watch like NFL pregame and stay home today." Like, and not be worshiping God with the saints or, you know, so many other things.
But, you know, letting other people take care of you without you thinking about, "I want to contribute to my family and to others." it's deeply ingrained in me that I want to contribute and I want to serve and I want to build other people up.
And there's so many good things that have made us who we are also. And that's part of this conversation
Bryan: can we talk just for a minute about consistency here because I think I struggle with consistency and we've talked about consistency on the show a few times I think now but I feel like this is something that if you want to establish a new pattern you have to be intentional about it you have to you have to make the intentional decision that that is going to be who you are and what you do and I think for a lot of us as parents being consistent as a parent is hard because it's easy one day to like make a rule and to say this is how it's going to be and then the next day when it would be much easier not to have to enforce that rule then you just let it go and then you know of course at that point you're not establishing a pattern of doing good things your your new pattern is patternless your new pattern is inconsistency and that for me may be one of the biggest thoughts here is like you know Abraham established a pattern of being deceitfuland that pattern sort of started to continue and also on the flip side of that a pattern of good behavior consistent good behavior can really begin to reinforce the the foundation of your family
Ryan: what you're saying brings me back to our Joshua episode. oh And as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord. We talked in that episode about how that is not a, that's not like a doing level commitment. It is a being level commitment. It is saying, "This is who we are. This is who I am."
There's such a difference between a rule, like, you know, you have to clean your room and like the culture of who we are as a family. Right. And some families like that is like, it's not clean your room. It's like order is essential to being okay in this family. And that is like the culture and the pattern and the way that's like the unwritten.
I mean, it may be spoken, but it is also deeply set unspoken. This is absolutely the high priority or a high priority. And so like, this is how you bring consistency is not like every day I'm going to decide to do this. Rather it's I'm deciding right now, this is who we're going to be. And my wife or my spouse are going to talk through it and we're going to get alignment and we're going to talk to the whole family.
But then everyone is going to understand what is tolerated and what is not, what is enforced, what is prioritized. And so like I said, about how we deal with problems in the family, how we deal with commitments to the church and where that falls in the spectrum of priorities. And
you know, what is really important deeply? Just figuring those things out and then taking your stand. As for me and my house, this is who we're going to be. And really those things that matter most, that are most deeply said, need to be for Christians, need to be the things that the Lord has said.
Conclusion and Resources
Ryan: As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord and this is what that means.
Bryan: yeah so I mean here in this whole conversation we've been kind of talking about Jesus as the one who enables this break from our from our family patterns who you know allows us to be adopted into this new family and you know when you think about the idea of like you were saying God reparenting us and retraining us it is it is a new life of discipline that just becomes who we are it's our identity and so tying tying into what you were just saying there just to think about being a part of of God's family and being able to cry out with the same language that Jesus cried out with on the cross Abba father like that loving close connection with God really does help me understand the need to stop acting like I used to act I think for anyone who has seen somebody who's made a real transformation for you and I coming from good Christian families I mean I think it was a different situation for us but when I see like even my dad who came from people who did not know anything about Jesus they didn't know anything about God they were not believers in any sort of way and to see the transformation he was able to make just helps me understand like this is possible it is something we can do and and it is not going to happen unless Christ is the one making this happen you know reconnecting us into this new new and very special
Ryan: the context of that passage there in Romans 8 is about the Spirit of God. And we are choosing to set our minds on the things of the Spirit.
And we are choosing to walk in the ways of the Spirit And that's, all of this is, it's about living the best way we can.
It's not like, oh, man, I love it back in the old days when we were all yelling at each other every time there was a problem, you know? I love the old days when I was carrying grudges against my siblings or whatever. It's like the good ways are God's ways. The ways of the Spirit. And so, he's teaching us the right way to live.
It's not always going to be comfortable or easy, but it is better, healthier, and holier. And it makes us into that image that we're going to have in eternity, in those relationships, in the family of God that will last forever.
Bryan: reminds me of the idea of soundness right like the idea of something being complete and and structurally sound like is the same idea as being healthy and when we look at patterns in our families there are so many unhealthy things that I can think of and and like you're saying grudges and those kinds of things like boy wasn't it easier when we used to sweep all that stuff under that rug over there it's like no that was not healthy that was not sound that was not uh and boy we we do need to do the work like you're saying tackling those things putting to death those deeds of the body that we've done and sometimes we like to think of this verse like putting to death the deeds of the body is like these deeply like you know lying and and you know murder and like these big things it's also these like really subtle sneaky family killers like you know David and his I guess he was so passive as as a person sometimes he was confident and he was courageous but then with with his own kids he was like that's okay okay I mean so that's an unhealthy pattern that David should have taken on and and if we're learning to put to death those deeds of the body we need to address those things too
The Challenge
Bryan: so maybe that leads us to a helpful challenge for this week is to identify an unhealthy family pattern that you have experienced that you want to tackle and get rid of and then identify one positive pattern that you want to put into practice and pray about these things you know really take it on take one small step this week to to put some things into place in your life break the break the habits break the cycle and to put something to reinforce the good that God wants you to have in your family
Ryan: And if you really want to be courageous, ask someone close to you what they see in these patterns.
We all have them. it's a part of the joy of being in Christ that we keep growing and changing and get to be on this process of him making us better as we follow him.
Bryan: you know I'm just kind of realizing this was the weirdest episode on repentance that I've ever uh that we've ever had I mean in a big way that's really what this is right is dealing with the things that we have done that we could be given to do and just to to really with fresh eyes look at it all again and say how do I deal with this and how do I let the Lord turn me into a new person the way that he wants to and and that is I guess what the idea of repentance really is at its core
Ryan: It is. It is. Repentance and confession, too. Like, acknowledging, like, seeing clearly. 1 John 1, not saying, "No, that's not an issue," but like, seeing it and owning it, "This is true. This is a problem that I need to face."
Bryan: I didn't have my Birkenstocks on for this one but I feel like maybe I should have uh I have enjoyed this discussion thank you for bringing this to the show I was kind of scratching my head like what are we even going to talk about here and boy I mean it's been it's been a bit here in this episode so far and I feel like we have almost only scratched the surface because there seems like there's a lot more we could discuss here
Ryan: It's true. I want to give credit to an author, Peter Scazzaro, who's written a bunch of books about—they all start with emotionally healthy, like, the emotionally healthy church and that kind of thing. So that's one author you could go to to dig deeper.
Bryan: all right everyone thanks so much for tuning in to the Bible Geeks podcast you can find us on our website at biblegeeks.fm you can find show notes for this episode in your podcast player or there on our website as well we would love it if you would rate us on apple podcasts or spotify or wherever you get your podcasts please do that it helps people find out about us and if you want to share the show with a friend that would be great too we would love it if you do that we've got a bunch of resources on our website guided studies reading plans all these podcasts there for you and if you have any questions please reach out to us we'd love to get in touch with you and until the next conversation everyone may the lord bless you and keep you